A conversation that is awesome and will work on anyone.

Talking to people you don't know can be difficult, but it's virtually the only way to make human friends. So I've decided to make it easier on everyone. I've got here the perfect conversation to make anyone your best friend. Memorize it, and you'll never be lonely again.

YOU: I'm really good at conversations. Do you want to have one with me?

(Forget about all that "Hi! My name is whatever. How are you?" junk. Anyone can say that. Skip right to the point. We're living in a normally paced world with a couple of people who think they are really busy. You'll have no idea who these people are until you start talking to them , so it's safest just to jump right in. Plus this is a unique and honest opener, that lets people know you are confident in your talking skills.)

OTHER PERSON: Yeah!

YOU: There's a cat eating a fish stick over there. I thought it was a carrot, but when I got closer I realized it was a fish stick.

(This tells the listener a couple of things. You're observant, you have moderately good eyesight, and you like cats and notice them wherever you are. Because you're observant.)

OTHER PERSON: Wow! Cool!

YOU: I really like cats. I write blogs.

(This is really important. You're letting your future friend know that you have a lot of free time for them. )

OTHER PERSON: Yeah! Who doesn't like cats? Blogs! OMG, awesome! You are totally awesome!

YOU: I like your shoes/feet.

(When someone compliments you, you should compliment them back immediately. It's hard to think of nice things to say on the spot like that, so you should just tell everyone that you like their shoes. If they're not wearing shoes, tell them you like their feet. Chances are if they're not wearing shoes, they are really proud of their feet's appearance, so that's sure to get you on their good side.)

OTHER PERSON: I like your shoes/feet!

YOU: Ok, bye!

(You're going to see a lot of this. People are just going to return your compliment fire. It's best to put a stop this before it gets out of control. They may have started it, but it's up to you to finish it.)

Now you've made a friend. Next time you see them, see if they want to watch some cute cat videos on youtube with you.

An Incomplete List of Things that I have bought in the order of excitement caused by their purchase.

1. 80 sheets of graph paper and a five subject notebook with plastic (!), three pocket(!) dividers

2. Two sweaters
a. the stripped one
b. the blue one

3. A cat (I haven't bought a real cat, but I like thinking about it. That's why this is number three, because it isn't real. It would be number one if it was real. Come on. It's a cat!)

4. Bike tires. (This is sarcastic excitement because I lack the skill and instruments to attach them to my bike. But if I would go buy a wrench then it would be genuine excitement so...)

5. A wrench! (I haven't bought this. And I'm not going to. But I should, and this list is becoming less exact then I had hoped for so, why not? I would be number five excited about the purchasing of a wrench and a...)

6. Pump! (Do I need to explain that I haven't bought this?)

That's it. I should have started this off with a do not read advisory, but really the title tells you all you need to know. This is a list of things I've bought. Don't read this. Come on. But because you made it this far, I assume that I'm paying you to read this so I'm number seven excited that I bought your attention.

7. Your attention!

I hope I didn't pay too much for it, because I really should buy a wrench.

Lirewess.

These are making less sense as I go along. I doesn't bother me, but my fan has been objecting. Maybe I'll go somewhere that makes more sense. The cheese shop! It's a shop made of cheese. And they have wireless internet access. It's access to the internet with out wires. I told you this place would make sense.
Next year, I'm going to only use wireless internet access. That's a resolution.
Carbon dioxide is a chemical solution.
Carbon monoxide is pollution.
Tada!
It doesn't look like the cheese shop is helping. So I'm also not going to write after midnight. Again. That's a solution!

Can I interest you in an interesting intrest sandwich?

If someone asks to borrow money, and tells you that they'll pay interest, and then they tell you that the interest will look like a sandwich, and then they say that it will look like a sandwich, because it is a sandwich. Black forest ham and yellow mustard. And then they say "Stop looking at the sandwich and eat it." And then a thought bubble appears above their head and it says, "What an idiot! Stop looking at the sandwich and eat it. No wonder we got such a great interest flavor..." If all of this happens, you should not loan this person money. They have mean thoughts and they make bad sandwiches. And interest should come in the shape of chocolate bars, because that is pretty close to the shape of money. And that's what interest should look like.

But you should ask this person how they make thought bubbles appear. That is a nifty trick.

I'll glue you to a Christmas cookie.

Merry Christmas! I made you some Christmas Cookies, that I also make at other times of the year, but because it's Christmas time they're Christmas Cookies! And in the holiday spirit I have decided that I don't want you to die! Merry Christmas! So I've included a footnote*. Anyways, Happy Holidays and all that smooth jazz! Because it's Christmas, a time for relaxing, and normal jazz makes people nervous, so just listen to smooth jazz, even though it's not very good.

*If the footnote is longer** then the realnote, is it a footnote? We don't have time to answer this question right now. This is a very busy time of year. We are so busy baking cookies and not dying and reading footnotes we have no time to ponder the nature of footnotes. So get back to what you were doing, save this for August 17th, Regional Footnote Day.

**Careful. I put eggs in these cookies. I put eggs on top of these cookies too. So the powdered sugar would stick. If you start feeling sick, go to the doctor. You probably just have food poisoning, but it might be salmonella. Either way I think you are supposed to go to the doctor. Some of the cookies don't have eggs on them, some of them have glue. So most of what I said before still applies. Except the salmonella. Don't eat glue.

It was hard getting the powdered sugar to stick. First I tried licking the cookies and laying them in a bowl of powdered sugar, but that hurt my tongue. These cookies are sharp. That's the other thing you should be careful about with these cookies. Their sharpness. Then I tried taping the sugar on, but it gave the cookies a weird texture. And look. And flavor. I tried melting the powdered sugar on the cookies. But they were already baked so the blowtorch was just burning them. Then the glue, which is really the best way to do it, fyi. I used a glue stick. Just a couple of lines on the top, and voila! Glue on cookies. Then I had to put the powdered sugar on top of the glue lines. It was great, but then I ran out of glue. So I used eggs. But I hard boiled the eggs before I used them, so I guess you should be fine. Never mind.

True Meaty Truisms

These aren't meaty because there is some truth you can really sink your teeth into, these truisms are meaty because they are about meat. And not that fake meat that I like so much. These are made of real meat. They are true meaty truisms.

True meaty truism #1: Sincere is hard to pull off. If you are a robot. People think you are always just saying things because you are programmed to start every sentence with "I'm just saying this because it seems like the response you humans are expecting..." Do you know what else is hard to pull off? Jerky. Because it's tough. So... Sincere is tough. So is jerky. Tada!

True meaty truism #2: Everything is better with sausage. I had some help with this one because I'm not good at reading meat, or eating meat. I'm not good at reating meat. But I've done some reatsearch. Hot dogs are better with sausage. But not the links. That would be weird to have a hot dog with sausage links on top. Where would you put the relish? Hot dogs are better with sausage patties. On the side. And maple syrup. On the hot dog.

Running with unfunny, dull objects.

This is the joke story I told:

"I said, 'I need to get my bangs trimmed.' He said, 'How about I just find you some scissors?' I said (are you paying attention? This is the punchline.) 'I don't want scissors, I want to get my bangs trimmed.' Get it? Cause I don't know that scissors trim bangs. Get it?"

The person listening to the joke said:

"Have you had your I.Q. tested?"

The lesson of this joke story about a joke story is that joke stories that end with "Get it?" are not funny and so are banned from the blog. Starting now.