True Meaty Truisms

These aren't meaty because there is some truth you can really sink your teeth into, these truisms are meaty because they are about meat. And not that fake meat that I like so much. These are made of real meat. They are true meaty truisms.

True meaty truism #1: Sincere is hard to pull off. If you are a robot. People think you are always just saying things because you are programmed to start every sentence with "I'm just saying this because it seems like the response you humans are expecting..." Do you know what else is hard to pull off? Jerky. Because it's tough. So... Sincere is tough. So is jerky. Tada!

True meaty truism #2: Everything is better with sausage. I had some help with this one because I'm not good at reading meat, or eating meat. I'm not good at reating meat. But I've done some reatsearch. Hot dogs are better with sausage. But not the links. That would be weird to have a hot dog with sausage links on top. Where would you put the relish? Hot dogs are better with sausage patties. On the side. And maple syrup. On the hot dog.

Running with unfunny, dull objects.

This is the joke story I told:

"I said, 'I need to get my bangs trimmed.' He said, 'How about I just find you some scissors?' I said (are you paying attention? This is the punchline.) 'I don't want scissors, I want to get my bangs trimmed.' Get it? Cause I don't know that scissors trim bangs. Get it?"

The person listening to the joke said:

"Have you had your I.Q. tested?"

The lesson of this joke story about a joke story is that joke stories that end with "Get it?" are not funny and so are banned from the blog. Starting now.

What rats like.

If you have rats in your hair, it might help if you stop putting bread on your head. Rats love bread.
No. That's me. I love bread.
Stop putting cheese in your hair. Rats love cheese.
If you don't have rats in your hair, still don't put bread or cheese in your hair. That's disgusting.

It's cold out. I can tell. I'm not wearing pants.

It is unseasonably warm for the beginning of November. But not that warm. Not so warm that you can go outside with out pants on. You could maybe go outside without a shirt. If you were covered in hair. There are all sorts of things you could do if you were covered in hair. Like cornrows. EVERYWHERE. But if you do that you should definitely wear a shirt.

The cool thing I can do.

I can now do the coolest thing I have ever been able to do. I can ride my bike with out holding onto the handle bars. The actual doing of this cool thing is simple, the instructions are below, but making it cool is much more difficult.

First How To Ride A Bike Without Holding Onto the Handlebars:

1.) Peddle more quickly then is comfortable.
2.) Let go of the handlebars.
3.) Continue peddling more quickly then is comfortable without holding onto the handlebars until you think you are going to swerve into traffic, or fall of your bike.

See, it's simple enough. But you can't do this just anywhere. I would, and will, advise you not to do this going downhill, uphill, over a bridge, or through a busy intersection. To be safe don't try to go "hands free" around moving cars, parked cars, buses (moving or stopped), or pedestrians, especially if they are walking one or more dogs.

Don't ever practice this tricky move around other bicyclists. Unless you want one of two horrible things to happen. In scenario one, they will be overcome by uncontrollable jealousy and admiration, leading them to take advantage of your inability to steer out of harms way. They will attack you. Or they will be able to do "hands free" better than you and will throw rocks at you as they peddle away more quickly then you had ever imagined was comfortable or possible. They might even wave their hands in the air as they turn left at a busy intersection. Bikers are jerks.

So where can you show off your new skill? Anywhere flat and isolated. Saskatchewan, maybe.

Now, to do this in a cool way I suggest you don't smile, whistle, or point out to pedestrians that you are moving faster then them, but still have full use of your hands. Try not draw attention to yourself in anyway. That applies to everything actually, never attract attention to yourself. Unless you are telling people the ways that you are like the cast of West Side Story. They are incredibly cool, with the singin' and the dancin' and the romancin', despite the imminent threat of knife fights.

Thirty days has September.

I just found out that there is no September 31st. I've been dating things incorrectly all day. But I'm not about to stop now. I'm confused about calendars (and clocks, maps, the buttons on toasters, and the way there is no cheese on vegan pizza), but I'm no quitter. Unless it's something that I've done for a really long time, at least ten years. Then it's time to quit. I've only been writing the wrong date for eighteen hours.

Why do you even exist Rite Aid?

I only go to Rite Aid to buy things that they don't sell. Usually they are things that Rite Aid has no business selling in the first place, like a flash drive or an office chair. Then there are things that they probably don't sell, but it's worth a shot. For instance a bike light, so I could stop attempting to telepathically alert motorist that I'm riding in the street and desire not to die.

But I can't even find the things that they should be selling. I have been to three different Rite Aids looking for a chap stick lid that attaches to my key chain, because I know what's hip. They are no where to be found. If Rite Aid isn't selling key-chain-chap-stick-lids, what are they selling? And more importantly, who is supposed to sell key-chain-chap-stick-lids?

Rite Aid purposefully throws you off by stocking the front of the store with a plethora of useless, unassociated things. College football fan gear and American flags, bags of thirty mechanical pencils with a mini stapler (that attach to your key chain, in case you need to staple your chapped and bleeding lips shut on the fly), cases of caffeinated vitamin drinks and pumpkin pie scented candles. Try to find what you are looking for and you will find that they no longer sell hairbrushes, but instead you could buy two hangers for two dollars, which is by the way, a horrible deal. I comparison shop. Come in looking for toothpaste? Leave with a toaster. Come in looking for a toaster? Walk out with a Cosmopolitan, a hunter green pair of sweat pants and a digital camera.