Who knew power tasted like mint?

I just bought some toothpaste called Empowermint. It comes in a flashy silver tube with a confusing space age cape. At first it stirred a nascent longing to be an astronaut. Two minutes later when I still hadn't opened it I remembered that planetariums make me panicky and freeze dried ice cream taste like chalk. The actual paste looks like a frozen yogurt swirl of stewed tomatoes and cream, but the flavor is delightful. Like power.

Pickup lines that are awesome.

I've compiled here a short list of pickup lines that should work for anyone.

"Who else is feeling fertile? Yeah!" This one works best if it's accompanied by a bouncy, marionette like dance.

"I'll kill myself if you don't call me. Yeah!" I like this one because it lets people know you are serious about them and showcases the depth of your soul at the same time.

"I gotta piss like a race horse. Yeah!" This is not a pickup line specifically. It's more something that is just sexy to say.

"I'm classy in a break up. Yeah!" This is a simple way to let someone know that, 1.) You are classy, 2.) You can see your self being with them long enough to break up, 3.) The relationship is going to end in a classy way, for example, you're not going to tell everyone that you broke up because of the rashes and scabs.

And a final tip for all you wild daters, ending pickup lines with "yeah!" shows that you are a enthusiastic and positive person. Yeah!

Gods will... probably. Definitely.

I don't usually give God much thought, but something happened the other day that opened my eyes to all his miracles. A friend and I were browsing the Goodwill looking for bedazzled gaucho pants. (Is it a coincidence that Goodwill is one letter and a space away from Gods will? Eight ball says not likely.)

We were in the midst of trying on helmets, when The Safety Dance came on. I felt like I was in the middle of a music video. What else could better bring to life The Safety Dance then people shopping for lightly used safety gear? (Turns out a male model peasant, a wench and a midget minstrel dancing their King-Arthur-on-crack way to a medevilish festival).

Most people probably know, but for those that don't, The Safety Dance is sung by Men Without Hats. Which is funny, because helmets are hats (nine out of ten haberdashers agree!) and it doesn't get much safer then a helmet.* Is that just an accidental mixed message, or do Men Without Hats have a hidden agenda? I'm hoping their not trying to promote dancing with out a helmet. That's ridiculous.

By the by, we found the gaucho pants. Which brings me back to God's will at the Goodwill. What are the chances of being given the opportunity to dance The Safety Dance with helmets on? I would say zero, unless God wills it. Or you have a copy of the Safety Dance, a helmet and fierce desire to dance away danger.

*Actually it gets a lot safer then helmet. Elbow pads, knee pads, shoulder pads, shin pads, safety goggles, mouth guards, athletic cups.**

**Athletic cups are for sissies.