Can I interest you in an interesting intrest sandwich?

If someone asks to borrow money, and tells you that they'll pay interest, and then they tell you that the interest will look like a sandwich, and then they say that it will look like a sandwich, because it is a sandwich. Black forest ham and yellow mustard. And then they say "Stop looking at the sandwich and eat it." And then a thought bubble appears above their head and it says, "What an idiot! Stop looking at the sandwich and eat it. No wonder we got such a great interest flavor..." If all of this happens, you should not loan this person money. They have mean thoughts and they make bad sandwiches. And interest should come in the shape of chocolate bars, because that is pretty close to the shape of money. And that's what interest should look like.

But you should ask this person how they make thought bubbles appear. That is a nifty trick.

I'll glue you to a Christmas cookie.

Merry Christmas! I made you some Christmas Cookies, that I also make at other times of the year, but because it's Christmas time they're Christmas Cookies! And in the holiday spirit I have decided that I don't want you to die! Merry Christmas! So I've included a footnote*. Anyways, Happy Holidays and all that smooth jazz! Because it's Christmas, a time for relaxing, and normal jazz makes people nervous, so just listen to smooth jazz, even though it's not very good.

*If the footnote is longer** then the realnote, is it a footnote? We don't have time to answer this question right now. This is a very busy time of year. We are so busy baking cookies and not dying and reading footnotes we have no time to ponder the nature of footnotes. So get back to what you were doing, save this for August 17th, Regional Footnote Day.

**Careful. I put eggs in these cookies. I put eggs on top of these cookies too. So the powdered sugar would stick. If you start feeling sick, go to the doctor. You probably just have food poisoning, but it might be salmonella. Either way I think you are supposed to go to the doctor. Some of the cookies don't have eggs on them, some of them have glue. So most of what I said before still applies. Except the salmonella. Don't eat glue.

It was hard getting the powdered sugar to stick. First I tried licking the cookies and laying them in a bowl of powdered sugar, but that hurt my tongue. These cookies are sharp. That's the other thing you should be careful about with these cookies. Their sharpness. Then I tried taping the sugar on, but it gave the cookies a weird texture. And look. And flavor. I tried melting the powdered sugar on the cookies. But they were already baked so the blowtorch was just burning them. Then the glue, which is really the best way to do it, fyi. I used a glue stick. Just a couple of lines on the top, and voila! Glue on cookies. Then I had to put the powdered sugar on top of the glue lines. It was great, but then I ran out of glue. So I used eggs. But I hard boiled the eggs before I used them, so I guess you should be fine. Never mind.

True Meaty Truisms

These aren't meaty because there is some truth you can really sink your teeth into, these truisms are meaty because they are about meat. And not that fake meat that I like so much. These are made of real meat. They are true meaty truisms.

True meaty truism #1: Sincere is hard to pull off. If you are a robot. People think you are always just saying things because you are programmed to start every sentence with "I'm just saying this because it seems like the response you humans are expecting..." Do you know what else is hard to pull off? Jerky. Because it's tough. So... Sincere is tough. So is jerky. Tada!

True meaty truism #2: Everything is better with sausage. I had some help with this one because I'm not good at reading meat, or eating meat. I'm not good at reating meat. But I've done some reatsearch. Hot dogs are better with sausage. But not the links. That would be weird to have a hot dog with sausage links on top. Where would you put the relish? Hot dogs are better with sausage patties. On the side. And maple syrup. On the hot dog.

Running with unfunny, dull objects.

This is the joke story I told:

"I said, 'I need to get my bangs trimmed.' He said, 'How about I just find you some scissors?' I said (are you paying attention? This is the punchline.) 'I don't want scissors, I want to get my bangs trimmed.' Get it? Cause I don't know that scissors trim bangs. Get it?"

The person listening to the joke said:

"Have you had your I.Q. tested?"

The lesson of this joke story about a joke story is that joke stories that end with "Get it?" are not funny and so are banned from the blog. Starting now.

What rats like.

If you have rats in your hair, it might help if you stop putting bread on your head. Rats love bread.
No. That's me. I love bread.
Stop putting cheese in your hair. Rats love cheese.
If you don't have rats in your hair, still don't put bread or cheese in your hair. That's disgusting.

It's cold out. I can tell. I'm not wearing pants.

It is unseasonably warm for the beginning of November. But not that warm. Not so warm that you can go outside with out pants on. You could maybe go outside without a shirt. If you were covered in hair. There are all sorts of things you could do if you were covered in hair. Like cornrows. EVERYWHERE. But if you do that you should definitely wear a shirt.

The cool thing I can do.

I can now do the coolest thing I have ever been able to do. I can ride my bike with out holding onto the handle bars. The actual doing of this cool thing is simple, the instructions are below, but making it cool is much more difficult.

First How To Ride A Bike Without Holding Onto the Handlebars:

1.) Peddle more quickly then is comfortable.
2.) Let go of the handlebars.
3.) Continue peddling more quickly then is comfortable without holding onto the handlebars until you think you are going to swerve into traffic, or fall of your bike.

See, it's simple enough. But you can't do this just anywhere. I would, and will, advise you not to do this going downhill, uphill, over a bridge, or through a busy intersection. To be safe don't try to go "hands free" around moving cars, parked cars, buses (moving or stopped), or pedestrians, especially if they are walking one or more dogs.

Don't ever practice this tricky move around other bicyclists. Unless you want one of two horrible things to happen. In scenario one, they will be overcome by uncontrollable jealousy and admiration, leading them to take advantage of your inability to steer out of harms way. They will attack you. Or they will be able to do "hands free" better than you and will throw rocks at you as they peddle away more quickly then you had ever imagined was comfortable or possible. They might even wave their hands in the air as they turn left at a busy intersection. Bikers are jerks.

So where can you show off your new skill? Anywhere flat and isolated. Saskatchewan, maybe.

Now, to do this in a cool way I suggest you don't smile, whistle, or point out to pedestrians that you are moving faster then them, but still have full use of your hands. Try not draw attention to yourself in anyway. That applies to everything actually, never attract attention to yourself. Unless you are telling people the ways that you are like the cast of West Side Story. They are incredibly cool, with the singin' and the dancin' and the romancin', despite the imminent threat of knife fights.

Thirty days has September.

I just found out that there is no September 31st. I've been dating things incorrectly all day. But I'm not about to stop now. I'm confused about calendars (and clocks, maps, the buttons on toasters, and the way there is no cheese on vegan pizza), but I'm no quitter. Unless it's something that I've done for a really long time, at least ten years. Then it's time to quit. I've only been writing the wrong date for eighteen hours.

Why do you even exist Rite Aid?

I only go to Rite Aid to buy things that they don't sell. Usually they are things that Rite Aid has no business selling in the first place, like a flash drive or an office chair. Then there are things that they probably don't sell, but it's worth a shot. For instance a bike light, so I could stop attempting to telepathically alert motorist that I'm riding in the street and desire not to die.

But I can't even find the things that they should be selling. I have been to three different Rite Aids looking for a chap stick lid that attaches to my key chain, because I know what's hip. They are no where to be found. If Rite Aid isn't selling key-chain-chap-stick-lids, what are they selling? And more importantly, who is supposed to sell key-chain-chap-stick-lids?

Rite Aid purposefully throws you off by stocking the front of the store with a plethora of useless, unassociated things. College football fan gear and American flags, bags of thirty mechanical pencils with a mini stapler (that attach to your key chain, in case you need to staple your chapped and bleeding lips shut on the fly), cases of caffeinated vitamin drinks and pumpkin pie scented candles. Try to find what you are looking for and you will find that they no longer sell hairbrushes, but instead you could buy two hangers for two dollars, which is by the way, a horrible deal. I comparison shop. Come in looking for toothpaste? Leave with a toaster. Come in looking for a toaster? Walk out with a Cosmopolitan, a hunter green pair of sweat pants and a digital camera.

Who knew power tasted like mint?

I just bought some toothpaste called Empowermint. It comes in a flashy silver tube with a confusing space age cape. At first it stirred a nascent longing to be an astronaut. Two minutes later when I still hadn't opened it I remembered that planetariums make me panicky and freeze dried ice cream taste like chalk. The actual paste looks like a frozen yogurt swirl of stewed tomatoes and cream, but the flavor is delightful. Like power.

Pickup lines that are awesome.

I've compiled here a short list of pickup lines that should work for anyone.

"Who else is feeling fertile? Yeah!" This one works best if it's accompanied by a bouncy, marionette like dance.

"I'll kill myself if you don't call me. Yeah!" I like this one because it lets people know you are serious about them and showcases the depth of your soul at the same time.

"I gotta piss like a race horse. Yeah!" This is not a pickup line specifically. It's more something that is just sexy to say.

"I'm classy in a break up. Yeah!" This is a simple way to let someone know that, 1.) You are classy, 2.) You can see your self being with them long enough to break up, 3.) The relationship is going to end in a classy way, for example, you're not going to tell everyone that you broke up because of the rashes and scabs.

And a final tip for all you wild daters, ending pickup lines with "yeah!" shows that you are a enthusiastic and positive person. Yeah!

Gods will... probably. Definitely.

I don't usually give God much thought, but something happened the other day that opened my eyes to all his miracles. A friend and I were browsing the Goodwill looking for bedazzled gaucho pants. (Is it a coincidence that Goodwill is one letter and a space away from Gods will? Eight ball says not likely.)

We were in the midst of trying on helmets, when The Safety Dance came on. I felt like I was in the middle of a music video. What else could better bring to life The Safety Dance then people shopping for lightly used safety gear? (Turns out a male model peasant, a wench and a midget minstrel dancing their King-Arthur-on-crack way to a medevilish festival).

Most people probably know, but for those that don't, The Safety Dance is sung by Men Without Hats. Which is funny, because helmets are hats (nine out of ten haberdashers agree!) and it doesn't get much safer then a helmet.* Is that just an accidental mixed message, or do Men Without Hats have a hidden agenda? I'm hoping their not trying to promote dancing with out a helmet. That's ridiculous.

By the by, we found the gaucho pants. Which brings me back to God's will at the Goodwill. What are the chances of being given the opportunity to dance The Safety Dance with helmets on? I would say zero, unless God wills it. Or you have a copy of the Safety Dance, a helmet and fierce desire to dance away danger.

*Actually it gets a lot safer then helmet. Elbow pads, knee pads, shoulder pads, shin pads, safety goggles, mouth guards, athletic cups.**

**Athletic cups are for sissies.